What’s The Point - Six Nations

If any sport can be said to epitomise raw masculinity, rugby must be it. The ultimate man’s man’s game, it is the sport you can imagine Bruce Springsteen playing, or maybe Nigel Havers.

It is well known that the game of rugby was invented by the famous cheat William Webb Ellis. This was a man who was so bad at football that during one fateful match he thought it would be much easier to just pick the ball up and run with it. Having a similar skill level at football, I once tried the same, but instead of inventing a game I just got sent off.

But for some unfathomable reason the referee at his game just let this blatant disregard for the rules slide (rumours that Alex Ferguson was shouting at the ref from the sidelines have never been confirmed). And on seeing this behaviour go unchallenged, the stunned opposition reasonably wondered just how far the rules could be bent, and decided to just flatten Will the next time he tried his deliberate handball again. The game of rugby was born.

The fact that the game was made up during that one chaotic match explains why to this day no living person understands all the rules, despite an attempt to record all of them in a book (at the last count this hefty volume was just shy of 200 pages). Instead, referees just blow their whistle at various points during the match, and make a random gesture. Fans watching the game in the pub are then able to look knowledgeable by explaining the player was ‘coming in from the side’, or perhaps engaged in a bit of ‘truck and trailer’. This confusion can also allow players on occasion to just throw the ball to themselves once it has gone out, which if nothing else at least saves time.

Since the invention of the game all those years ago, it has been popularised in countries all over the world. And the premier event in the rugby sporting calender is the World Cup, where the trophy is bizarrely named after that cheat Mr Ellis, mentioned above, which must rank as one of the most disingenuous honours of all time.

The World Cup primarily serves as a vehicle for the teams of the Southern Hemisphere to show just how much better they are at the game than teams of the Northern Hemisphere. At the same time it also allows for the teams of the Northern Hemisphere to show just how much better they are at drinking, getting arrested and embarrassing the Royal Family.

To solve this problem of annoyingly superior teams from down below, England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland came up with the brilliant wheeze of having a competition just between themselves,  which would guarantee at least one of them would win.

Shortly after the first tournament an unholy alliance of wives, girlfriends and physios demanded that Italy be added so that they could get a bit of sun and shopping in. The players at first laughed this suggestion off, reasonably pointing out that the Italians didn’t actually play rugby. But it didn’t take long for them to realise that as the Italians didn’t play rugby, they may as well put them in and boost their win percentages. The inclusion of the French remains a mystery. 

This contest, imaginatively named the Six Nations, will soon be captivating the nation once more. And here, exclusively on BettingBias, is my analysis on each team:

● Wales. An above average team, opposing teams have the added disadvantage of being disoriented by fans waving giant leeks and daffodils at them. However, Wales is hampered by controversial racial quotas, which require at least half the team to be called Jones.
● Scotland. Once a serious contender, the Scots have been distracted recently by attempts to develop a new ‘Scottish’ version of the game which will be played once they achieve independence. Early reports suggest the game will either be a much lamer version where scrums are faked and tackles are limited, or a version where, of all things, there are only seven players.
● Ireland. Until recently a team to watch, but austerity measures have hit the team hard. Players are now required to work full time to support the side, making them the San Marino of the rugby world. 
● Italy. See above - can’t actually play the game, and attempts to provide some competition by filling the team with Argentinian ringers has only be partly successful. 
● France. A mystery.

So that only leaves England, who to be quite honest don’t seem that good either. However, in honor of the fact it was an Englishman who invented the game, and in remembrance of Ellis, it is traditional to give English players the option of inventing up to three new rules per match. This slight advantage should see them home, so stick your hard earned cash on them at 5/1 with Stan James.